I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
