Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
