I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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