I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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