I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
