according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
