i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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