sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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