Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
