Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
