Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I supernannyed him into submission
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
