New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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