i'm signing you up for texting rehab
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
