I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
