I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
