yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
