ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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