awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
