my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
