i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
