did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
