when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
