Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
