I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
