Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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