The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
