apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
