I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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