4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
