My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
