i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize