3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
