That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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