Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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