Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
