I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
