Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
