thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
