it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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