omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
