Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
