Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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