If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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