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At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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