Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
