bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I love having hate sex.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
