no, he came in my armpit
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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