Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
