if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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