M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
