Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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