my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
