if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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