I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
