can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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