I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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