After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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